When we feel we have failed ourselves or others, we are often left in a pit of self-loathing. People say, "running away from your problems won't solve anything". I beg to differ.

Being exactly where you want to be

"Why China?", is the most frequently asked question. Of course, I come up with elaborate answers to justify my reasoning, but the truth is: I ran away. I didn't want to be stuck in an environment that gave me social anxiety anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love South Africa and I'm counting down the days until I set foot on that soil again, but wow, I was miserable there. My body became so ill that my doctor said, "you're too ill to go to China. At this rate, you’ll have 5-7 years to live". My reply? "That is exactly why I need to leave".

When I got to China, things got worse. I had lost the equivalent weight of 7kgs prior to already having been classified as underweight. I had no one. The sheer agony of flicking through Instagram posts of people celebrating Christmas with their families while I spent the night hugging a toilet was too much for me to handle. I had gone mad. I was so angry at myself and everything I have had to face. I needed to get out. But how? I hated every moment of those first two weeks in China. Positivity? That didn't work anymore. Solutions? I'm tired of solutions. Hundreds of questions started streaming in while I was left willing to drown. That was the very moment I heard a voice say to me, "you're exactly where you want to be". I fell silent. "You're exactly where you want to be", it repeated. I had to sit back and understand what that voice wanted me to understand. I'm exactly where I want to be? What bullshit is this? The voice was way too prominent for me to ignore it. I looked at my surroundings: it was peaceful. I took a long hard look at myself. Through my red-tinted yellow eyes, I could see my soul agreeing with the voice. Softly, my chapped lips formed the words, "Yes, I am".

I reflected on every aspect of my circumstances: I wanted to become a better musician (performing 316 nights in a year by yourself should do the trick), I wanted to isolate myself (you're in fucking China), I wanted to live in a different country (well, sorry if we picked the wrong country for you), I wanted to live in a comfortable sanctuary (and a five star hotel with all expenses covered is a pretty sweet deal). I got everything I wished for and yet I was still unhappy. Why? I laughed at myself and said, Emma you're full of shit. I was still ill and my life was still at risk, but I realised that I had run away in order for me to be where I want to be. The one thing that was left was to leave my misery behind. For a long time, I was OK with being miserable. That is why I did everything but make myself happy. It took me a week of utter misery to realise that I wanted to be somewhere else and with one slap on the wrist, I moved from that state of misery to feeling completely content and... happy.

Now, I have moved from a scarce state of shallow happiness that never fulfilled me to experiencing complete serenity at least three times a day. Why is that? Because I ask myself this powerful question: "where do I want to be?". If you are unhappy, but not willing to change your attitude or circumstances, then stop complaining and get on with it. It's your choice to stay there. I wanted to be miserable, because I somehow felt I deserved it. If we focus on a negative state of mind, we become the enablers of our own downfall. I'm not saying we must go into denial, I'm saying we must find a solution if we want to experience change. We must change to find the solution.

Why wrong choices are not your fault

Of course, we cannot prevent tragedies from happening. If something tragic happens, we often deal with the situation without being aware that we still have the gift of choice, but the lack of acknowledging choice is a choice in itself. Either way, it's not your fault. A good example of this is in 13 Reasons Why, when looking at how each teenager and parent deals with his/her own trauma (there are no spoiler alerts here, no worries). You might not always agree with how the characters go about making their choices, but it does not make it their fault either. Every person has their own unique way of dealing with trauma. I am no expert, but I am human. You are human. We make human choices because we are made up of a unique combination of fragile biological, environmental and circumstantial components that form the building blocks of the choices we make. We might make some terrible choices, it might not make things right, but it's the choice you have made that will lead you, and others, to take action. Action leads to growth.

Live a life with no regrets

"Live a life with no regrets", they say. I only recently came to terms with that saying. I had spent hours surrounding myself with people that made me feel like shit. My default setting of "Emma is here to fix you" would kick in every time. I was like a sponge, absorbing every bad experience that would leave me powerless for months. I felt like every bad encounter would teach me a lesson and that it would form part of my story. How exhausting. Once I had left that life behind, I thought I would have felt better, but was left with the opposite effect. I felt lost and left with a heavy weight of regret on my shoulders. Why did I waste so much time on things that did not benefit me? Why did it take me so long to process the obvious? Answer: because I didn't know then what I know now.

Why no choice is a no-go zone

If you choose to do nothing, well, you hit a plateau that could lead to you feeling like a stale chocolate bar bought at a remote gas station. It leaves other hopefuls disappointed and leaves you feeling inadequate. We have all had the "what's the point" talk with ourselves or others. We're right to do so, but we'll never know what the point is until we've reached the next point. You'll be surprised by how quickly the next point arises if you lower your expectations.

You're allowed to run, but run with a purpose

If your current circumstance is feeling sluggish to you, it means you have the potential to outrun it. The hardest part is to let it go. It's easier to let go of something by being thankful for how it has served you up until this point. Walking away from it might leave you feeling strange at first, but your newly found territory leaves you with unlimited possibilities.

Here I am, sitting in a hotel room in Shanghai. Facing the same beige wallpaper, hearing nothing but the ticking of the clock, the hardworking AC and the occasional excited child running down the passage. I'm sipping on some delicious tea, but damn I'm bored. Next point, two more sips to go and I'm coming for you.

All rights reserved.